Anxiety and Depression

It is exhausting to live with both anxiety and depression. It is a daily struggle. People promise me that things will eventually get better, but a voice in my head tells me that my life is not worth living. That I am not worth it. The emotional pain is spreading in my body, making it hard to function or do anything well. I would gladly welcome death. The internal debate of suicide is heated in my mind whenever I am in a depressive episode. Depression has taken over me, and I feel like I have lost all control of my emotions. Don’t ask me why I am depressed. Because I have no idea. When I do open up to people, it is not for attention. It is a call for help, wishing that they will not be judgmental about my inability to be happy, because I am self-critical enough. I don’t want others to reiterate that. Continue reading “Anxiety and Depression”

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Transitions

Transitions. They are the worst, whether it’s going into vacation or transitioning into school. The lack of routine and structure bothers her much, and she has been feeling anxious about it. There has also been a lack of motivation and energy to study or do anything productive. She would lie in her bed till 9 or 10 every morning and still feel tired. She would stare blankly at the chemistry notes for half an hour. Too much free time makes her addicted to her devices, surfing the net until her eyes hurt. In her mind, she is feeling lost, angry, empty, sad, confused, and anxious. The change is too great, too sudden, too much unstructured free time, and she is not used to making her own schedules because someone else makes them all at school. The routine is no longer simply Danbing, bus, classes, lunch, classes, bus, homework. She still does not know what it is, because it is different every day. Continue reading “Transitions”

Short story on suicidal thoughts

I watch my brother lie in his bedroom with the turquoise curtains drawn and walls closing in as if extracting all the life from him. The bookshelves sway like sluggish waves in his blurry vision. The words on the randomly lain textbooks flutter on voidness and neglect. The clamorous debate over death heightens as the resonating isolation amplifies over all else. Life is too much for him to bear. Before I could come up with a hopeful word for my brother, he reaches out to his vibrating phone.

“Do you want to come out? I’m here waiting for you.” I watch him shudder as he responds. Blinking his swollen eyes, he says, “Come. It’s time to tell her.” Gathering up all his energy, he splashes water on his tear stained countenance and crawls out of his room of invisibility and hibernation. Continue reading “Short story on suicidal thoughts”

5 Unhelpful Things Fellow Christians Have Said About My Mental Illness

I found this helpful to me today as I was struggling with suicidal thoughts. Someone said to me before that suicide is a selfish thing to do, but it is not when all I am thinking is to relieve my parents and friends the heavy burden they are carrying (me). Or when I believe that the world would be a better place without my existence, that I am just a mistake that God made and should not be in this hellish place. I would pray for God to take my life after so much pain and pray that He would miraculously heal me. I would also weigh the grave consequences of suicide and the things I would miss out from. I still hope that depression and anxiety would go away one day, but everytime I slip into another episode, disappointment overcomes me. After two years of coping with unstable emotions daily, how much patience does God expect me to have?
5 Unhelpful Things Fellow Christians Have Said About My Mental Illness (and My Responses) – https://themighty.com/2017/03/christianity-mental-illness-anxiety-depression/

Difficult Day

Some day. Difficult day.

I managed AP Statistics okay. Then came the difficult part – Bible class. I was tired and wanted to shut down. I did not know how to ask for help, and I did not want to leave class. I was in deep sadness and couldn’t really identify why. On the outside I was looking fine and holding up, but the turmoil was growing beneath. I don’t really know if it’s sadness or anxiety. It felt terrible. I walked past the counselor’s office many times, but it just felt difficult to walk in and ask for help. It was mentally inaccessible for me, so I just thought I would deal with it alone. In Bible class, I was writing down my thoughts: “I feel extremely bad at myself. I am unhappy and upset. How do I say that I am suffering and want to kill myself? How do I manage to make words work when there is so much turmoil inside? Then when communication does not work, I feel so lonely and sad. I need help.” Continue reading “Difficult Day”

Loneliness

As I walk in the crowd, I feel like I am merging into thin air, invisible, alone.  Many people describe loneliness as if he/she is the only person left in the whole world. But I see it differently. The same isolation is depicted in my mind as if I don’t exist anymore. I merge into everything that is happening around me like a ghost. When my peers are all chatty and smiling in the cafeteria, I sit aside, observing their interactions, unable to fit in or engage in their conversations. As I float through the hallways to my locker and to the next class, I listen to the small talk between my peers. I try so hard to be a part of that, but their speech is unbelievably fast with seemingly purposeless. And I know if I make an effort to engage, they will ignore me, and I will feel overstimulated and anxious. Continue reading “Loneliness”