It is exhausting to live with both anxiety and depression. It is a daily struggle. People promise me that things will eventually get better, but a voice in my head tells me that my life is not worth living. That I am not worth it. The emotional pain is spreading in my body, making it hard to function or do anything well. I would gladly welcome death. The internal debate of suicide is heated in my mind whenever I am in a depressive episode. Depression has taken over me, and I feel like I have lost all control of my emotions. Don’t ask me why I am depressed. Because I have no idea. When I do open up to people, it is not for attention. It is a call for help, wishing that they will not be judgmental about my inability to be happy, because I am self-critical enough. I don’t want others to reiterate that.
However, my high-achieving personality and anxiety pushes me to keep doing my best and not breakdown in front of people. I choose to put on a calm and smiling mask at school and study just as hard as any good student. I distract myself with loads of homework, attempting to maintain the perfect grades, which seemingly is the only thing I have control over.
When depression and anxiety clash, the happy mask I wear falls off as I lock the door in my room and unravel myself, tearing up in a fetal position. I long to do perfect and meet the highest standards in my schoolwork, but depressing voices tell me that grades do not matter anymore since I will not live to get a report card. At the same time, I worry excessively about failing a subject and revealing my broken reality to my peers, teachers, and parents. This is such a fear that I would rather die than open up about my scarred and imperfect issues to anyone I am uncomfortable with.