Life has not been easier. After two years of getting my hopes up, it seems like my struggles with depression and anxiety still persist. It seems like each day is just as bad as the day before. It does not help when parents do not understand. They don’t, and I feel like it is my fault because I have trouble verbalizing my thoughts and emotions. When there is no communication, the only thing that can happen is miscommunication. I do know that I have an amazing support system at school. For the past three years, my school counselor tirelessly listened to my silence, my rants, and my sobbing. My teachers generously make accommodations for me. My mentor patiently speaks life into me. Different from many high school students, I choose to unravel myself at school, where I feel the safest. Still, I find myself struggling to survive. My life becomes a series of meaningless motions, connected together without a purpose. I feel like I am walking up a mountain with a backpack full of rocks. The problem is – this mountain is infinitely tall. My efforts to cope with my emotions are useless. I still get stuck in loops of thoughts, panic attacks, and sad attacks (a term I use to describe sudden, unexplainable sadness).
Where do I find hope to live on?
My counselor answered:
You find it in friends
Walks in the sun
His answer made me think. Are these earthly pleasures worth living for? Do they bring meaning and purpose in my life?
As a Christian, I know I should “do God’s will” and find purpose in living for Christ. But these words just seem empty to me. Honestly, I feel mad at God for allowing so much suffering in my life. He is supposed to be the Healer…
I am trying to come up with a response to this by writing about it, but I cannot. I can only pray that God will give me more wisdom and understanding, and one day He will restore everything back to the way it should have been. Now I will pray and go to sleep.