As I walk in the crowd, I feel like I am merging into thin air, invisible, alone. Many people describe loneliness as if he/she is the only person left in the whole world. But I see it differently. The same isolation is depicted in my mind as if I don’t exist anymore. I merge into everything that is happening around me like a ghost. When my peers are all chatty and smiling in the cafeteria, I sit aside, observing their interactions, unable to fit in or engage in their conversations. As I float through the hallways to my locker and to the next class, I listen to the small talk between my peers. I try so hard to be a part of that, but their speech is unbelievably fast with seemingly purposeless. And I know if I make an effort to engage, they will ignore me, and I will feel overstimulated and anxious. So I stay quiet, without a voice; invisible, as if people look right through me; unworthy of love, ignored and ignoring everything.
I wonder about my existence. Am I really a human being or am I an alien? Why am I not like those ‘normal people’? What defines my value? My social status in school? My grades? Others’ opinions of me? My own opinion? My future success or failures?
If God says He is love and that I am never alone, then what is causing this loneliness? What is stopping me from putting my worth in Him? Please show me Your extravagant love, God, help me completely surrender to You and heal my broken heart.