I need healing.

Trigger warning – abuse.

What am I supposed to do when I have nightmares of being raped or watching someone being raped but feeling pain myself? Who will take me seriously? They will dismiss me as if I’m crazy ( I don’t even believe myself); they will tell me that dreams are not real so forget about it. That’s what I tell myself sometimes. “Nothing happened to me”, I tell myself.

However, when I woke up from one of those nightmares this morning, my legs were numb, it hurt underneath as if I was experiencing something bad that moment. I panicked and thought that someone did bad things to me, but it was just a dream.

For the rest of the day, it was like I am living in a virtual world, feeling things both real and unreal. I went to church and sat in the service; I finished my chemistry homework and did an English essay. It was when I lay down to take a nap, that I started to cry; the insecurity and hopelessness reaching me. I clung on to my blanket and shutdown, innocently wondering why people could have done bad things to me, “bursting out” in prayer

A realization hit me suddenly: I need healing, and I need help. I need to talk to someone whom I can trust, possibly the clinical counselor by training who comes to my school once a week. Right now, I am determined to reach out for help, no matter the judgment others may hold for me.

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