Halfway through the first day of school, I already feel like I’m struggling. Maybe it’s because of the new schedules, unfamiliar classrooms, people talking and laughing while I don’t quite fit in. I managed to go to every class in the afternoon, but at the last class, my concentration was on my anxiety. I was pretend-listening as my mind was wandering on other things. Yes, I didn’t leave class at school, but I shutdown on the bus, zoning out, feeling very frustrated and tearful. Today is a day that I survived without leaving class, but I have to deal with anxiety for the rest of the school year; I’m already tired, frustrated that I cannot go to school and feel okay, I want to quit.
It’s not only feeling anxious. During the weekend, deep sadness and emptiness gets over me sometimes, making my heart physically ache. I’m not sure what triggers this, but it may be when I’m thinking about abuse and the brokenness within me. Normally, I don’t think about abuse as I try to ignore it in my mind, but the sadness is growing inside when I suppress it. Anxiety shows more visible symptoms, but I’ve learned to hide sadness because it’s easier to just smile to people. It’s when my emotions swing between anxiety and depression for too long, that I start feeling hopeless and suicidal.