Intimacy does not need to hurt

Time of Crisis:

Respect for my personal space has always been important for me because of my sensitivity towards touch.  I don’t know if this has anything to do with possible sexual abuse in my childhood, but I have grown to be more aware of my boundaries between people ever since I learned that I may have been raped…

Sometimes, the most innocent situation of a hand placed slightly on my shoulder makes me extremely uncomfortable. I want to squirm away but it would show my fear and create awkwardness.  I don’t know whom I can trust around me, and I isolate myself from people.

Especially when I feel very anxious, my personal space radar expands, and I try to stay at least an arm length away, so that no one can reach me.  This makes taking the elevator difficult – I have to take deep breathes to assure myself that I am safe at the moment.  I will not let anyone hurt me in the elevator, no matter how close I am standing around people.  I go through life timidly, ready to become angry anytime.  I get so furious inside, and I tell myself that I am going to murder the next person who dares to touch me inappropriately.

This is an uncomfortable subject to write or read about…  I am still learning to trust the right people and set appropriate boundaries, and before I find out, I am going to keep my distance to protect myself. I have to learn that not all touches are inappropriate and are going to hurt me. It’s okay to be hugged by a loved one, and I need to relax at times.

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