Denial

A shadow comes across my face as I think about the things that happened to me but cannot recall. Then, how do I know it did happen? Someone who I trust told me about it.

Abuse. Wondering which stage of loss I am in, I think I am still in denial. Because I cannot remember how my body got ruined! Where can I ever find confidence and hope again when trust is broken again and again between me and people? Why didn’t God protect me? Why does God allow wicked wrongdoings to happen to children? I feel so angry towards God and myself, the frustration of not remembering, the confusion of what appropriate boundaries are, the darkness and disgust in my soul. I know that true healing comes from complete forgiveness to others, but I don’t think I’m ready to accept what’s been done.

The haziness of the looming figure, the darkness of the human heart, are revealed to the confused, fearful, 17-year-old me…

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One thought on “Denial

  1. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociation_(psychology)
    I went through abuse as a child as well, and sometimes you can’t remember what happened to you because you dissociated-mentally went somewhere else when it was happening. It’s an old survival mechanism, and is usually used by children.
    I know what you’re going through-I’ve been there.
    As for making peace with it, it comes with time. I wish you love and peace on your journey.

    Liked by 1 person

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