I am an introvert among introverts. Introverted to the extent that the first time I raised my hand to speak in first grade, the teacher asked the whole class to applaud. Often times, when my mom picked me up from school and talked to me, I would realize that it’s the first time I spoke to someone for the entire day at school. I see my condition more like social anxiety rather than introversion. I longed to connect with my peers and make friends, but I am terrified of social interaction. Sadly, that’s one of the things that I need to overcome living in this world. I have to get across people what I want and make them understand.
This becomes a problem when I am struggling within with anxiety, depression and do need other’s support. I cannot vocalize the help I need. It takes immense courage and time for me to speak up to people about the turmoil within and ask for help. Then, when people ask me what is going on, it takes me minutes to process, come up with a good response – I don’t know what’s wrong either; I only know that I need help. I feel stuck in my own brain, dumb, misunderstood by others, and isolated.
I am very glad to find writing a much easier process for me to get across to people. My words come out smoother, making more sense to myself and others; moreover, I don’t need to feel anxious with the direct talks, which I have to make eye contact, think carefully of what to say, show appropriate body language, and still feel embarrassed of my social awkwardness.
This is a major reason why I created this blog – to gain more understanding from people, to express more of my thoughts (as 95% of what I think is almost never spoken out loud!), to show myself that I am capable of communication.